I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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