Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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