I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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