I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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