"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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