hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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