did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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