You're so nebulous sometimes
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
