The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We need to get me chipped asap
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
