ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
