You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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