I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
