I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
