The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
