In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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