You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
