OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
