Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
