while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
