whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
