You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
