Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
