i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
