we're chasing vodka with high fives
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
