When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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