she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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