life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
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