So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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