Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
