Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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