if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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