Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
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VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
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I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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