You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
