Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
