Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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