i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
