I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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