she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well you can't waste a boner
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think my moral compass just broke
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
