The brown eye won't let me do that either.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
