i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
