My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You've changed since you got that strap on
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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