I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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