i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
