Fine. I'll sleep in my office
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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