New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
