My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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