Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
