I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
