TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
