i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
