I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
