We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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