She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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