it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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