similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
