I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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